Summer, the seasons and the end of a 17 year cycle

Summer, the seasons and the end of a 17 year cycle. 

Summer is my season. I was born in the summer, so my birthday falls every year at the start of the season, fostering a new bright warm energy.

Admittedly birthdays for a long time had been a point of pain for me. Since I was in high school, birthdays turned from a special day into a day where I felt uncomfortable receiving attention. I did try, earlier on to enjoy them, but eventually I found myself just avoiding them. My social anxiety was at an all time high, an anxiety I had been avoiding since high school. ‘Avoiding it’ may not be the best way to describe it, I feel like, I didn’t recognise it.

The physical body has several trauma responses, there used to be three – fight, flight or freeze. Now I think there is a few adaptations; fawn, think and I am sure there are others, but for the sake of this post. Let us just focus on the three OG’s.

I am not going to go into the intricacies of my trauma in high school, because as I am sure we have all experienced some of our own and the details are not important, irrelevant even.

However I have pinpointed a moment at 17 years old where my body went into a freeze response and was unable to return to safe place. The strange series of events that followed, created a deeper more complex trauma, as my body and mind fought a battle, a battle I wasn’t aware of, but a battle I feel was my psyche’s or my souls way of attempting to free myself.

There was a part of me that stayed 17. Locked and frozen in time.

I am sure, very sure there was also other parts of me lost in the past before this point. But for now, 17 is what I am exploring.

I just survived my HSC, after years of working really hard at school, but in saying that, the hard work was effortless. I enjoyed school, I loved learning, I wanted to create something for myself, I had dreams, hopes, plans, and my mind was limitless.

And I find it strange that one small thing can change the directory of your life in a heartbeat. It’s taken me now well over a decade to come back to this pivotal life changing point, to reconnect with my 17 year old self, to heal, to rebuild trust and to integrate all the life lessons from when my body was in freeze and to return to a state of homeostasis.

17+17 = 34 which is really absurd.

I have just started a 34 year, my 34 year.

Summer 2024.

The last 17 years for me, has been an insanely uphill battle but for now, the battle has been won. Maybe no one won, maybe we both waved our white flags and declared peace. Maybe the battle never even existed, the only person I was fighting was myself. I was at war with myself. What a journey it’s been to come back to this place. To be able to experience life again.

The post is dedicated to every single person fighting a battle no one else can see.

The invisible wars inside of us.

I’m always a message away if you ever need to talk.

Contact me through my contact page or at heyangel1111@gmail.com